I wake up some days and it feels as though someone has a grip on my heart and squeezes a little tighter until I take a deep breath and just let the tears flow. The uncontrollable sob that you would have guessed would have came from a death in the family but instead is caused by betrayal with the same person you share a bed with. My life has been put on pause, and not the good pause where you can stop and smell the roses. This pause feels more like "stuck". Stuck in misery, emotions, and despair.
My husband cheated. He may have not physically cheated on me with another woman but messages were found that were sexually explicit and disgusting. He confessed to this going on for a couple of months and his reasoning behind it was boredom and wanting attention. Not excusable right? I have never sobbed in my entire life and I found myself doing so with every last bit of energy I had. I immediately let him know that I wanted a divorce and that it was over. Now here I am in my one bedroom apartment with my two dogs and cheating husband and it has never felt more foreign.
Never would I have thought this would be my life. The worst part about it is that we have only been married two months (together 5yrs). This marriage was supposed to be something sacred and it was tarnished by my husbands weakness and lack of accountability. He swears it meant nothing and it was all out of boredom but I truly believe that if I hadn't caught him, this would still be happening.
I dont believe he is sorry. I believe he is sorry he got caught. I do not know what to believe anymore and to me as much as we try to be "normal", it will never be the same again. Question is...Will I find the strength to leave?
This is my story in a glimpse. To whoever is reading this....know that you are not alone.
Absolutely, it is not acceptable.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first learned of my husbands infidelity I understood it to be sexting (nothing physical) and I was beyond devastated - BEYOND shocked. I slapped him so hard I had to get an x-ray on my hand (I am not condoning violence. I have never hit anyone in my life but this was justified to me). Once I learned he had physically acted out, not with her but with MANY others, I was equally as devastated.
Sexual Betrayal is betrayal, sexual deception is deception, sexual lies are lies. Sexual secrets and secrets. To me it felt the same no matter the degree.
You do not need to justify your pain based on what he didn't do, you're feeling pain based on what he did do, and what he did is not acceptable.
You are not alone either xo
there are so many of us in the Word Press community who have experienced this too. It is completely heartbreaking, and traumatizing. It turns your whole world upside down. I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. One thing I know for sure is you didn't deserve it.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment. Where are you currently in your journey to healing if you dont mind me asking? I am now only 4 months since DDay and I feel absolute pride in how far I have come with my healing process.
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