How do I go back? Back to when I thought the only stress I really had was trying to be financially stable. How do I go back to being able to look at my husband without seeing a stranger. How do I go back to seeing the world in a bright light versus a dark cloud that seems to consume me every day. Lately everything seems so forced. Im forcing the pain to leave to the back of my head even if its just for an hour. Im forcing a "normal" day. Im forcing smiles and happy moods. How long will I have to force it?
If I had to reflect I would say my insecurities began after I experienced betrayal and cheating the first time. I was young and naive and really thought I was in love with this man. Come to find out I was actually the mistress and he was married. Shocker I know. That story has to be a whole different blog post in itself. After experiencing that dishonesty I found myself with major trust issues. I constantly questioned my boyfriend then (husband now). Constantly looking through his phone and questioning what he was doing on his social media. Granted, he gave me reason to not trust him since the beginning. He might have not taken our relationship seriously but I had given it my all since day 1 and he was doing questionable things. Thinking back on it now, maybe I should have seen those red flags and ran for the hills. Unfortunately, I stuck around because I loved him deeply and really felt things would change. Guess I was wrong.
Where do I go from here? I know in my mind that this will not work but why wont my heart follow? Then I start questioning that logic and ask myself...but try, try for your marriage why wont you try? But in all reality I have tried for 5 years and I didnt get much in return. We have no children and that in itself is a blessing. I really could not imagine putting a child through this.
Your husband is supposed to be your protector, your partner, supporter, and everything in between. How is it that my husband has created all these insecurities in me and has heightened them like no other. Now let me say that my husband has never made demeaning comments towards my physical look. None whatsoever. These insecurities did not come from comments by my husband. These insecurities came from my husband's actions. We have only been married almost 3 months and to find sexually explicit messages between him and another woman was shattering to my world. A man looked me in my eyes and said "I Do" knowing he was being unfaithful and sneaky behind my back. To me, that is unforgivable.
Im not okay. But one day I will be.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, what has helped me in my dark times to to remind myself that I would not have an umbrella open and on my head on a beautiful and sunny day, so on the dark days I ask myself if it's raining today. I ask myself what I'm trying to protect myself from if my husband is good TODAY.
ReplyDeleteHovering under an umbrella everyday really takes the beauty and comfort of the sun and the world around you away. I know it's not always easy, but try and put away the umbrella once in a while just to test it out to see that you're safe, then put it away a little more.
There are no easy answers here, just experience from many before us leaving tips and tricks. I wish this wasn't in our lives but it is and we have to find our peace and happiness.
Keep writing out your thoughts and feelings, they really do help not only you but others as well xo
Thank you so much for your comment! I love that analogy that you used, it fits so well. I have noticed the umbrella has been put away a lot more lately. Trust me I still have my days but I enjoy the happiness and good times I have with my husband when they are happening. We have both re-evaluated our relationship and found our weak points that we can both work on to strengthen not only our marriage but ourselves as individuals. thank you again for your wonderful words of wisdom -D
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