Im Not Okay

How do I go back? Back to when I thought the only stress I really had was trying to be financially stable. How do I go back to being able to look at my husband without seeing a stranger. How do I go back to seeing the world in a bright light versus a dark cloud that seems to consume me every day. Lately everything seems so forced. Im forcing the pain to leave to the back of my head even if its just for an hour. Im forcing a "normal" day. Im forcing smiles and happy moods. How long will I have to force it? 

If I had to reflect I would say my insecurities began after I experienced betrayal and cheating the first time. I was young and naive and really thought I was in love with this man. Come to find out I was actually the mistress and he was married. Shocker I know. That story has to be a whole different blog post in itself. After experiencing that dishonesty I found myself with major trust issues. I constantly questioned my boyfriend then (husband now). Constantly looking through his phone and questioning what he was doing on his social media. Granted, he gave me reason to not trust him since the beginning. He might have not taken our relationship seriously but I had given it my all since day 1 and he was doing questionable things. Thinking back on it now, maybe I should have seen those red flags and ran for the hills. Unfortunately, I stuck around because I loved him deeply and really felt things would change. Guess I was wrong. 

Where do I go from here? I know in my mind that this will not work but why wont my heart follow? Then I start questioning that logic and ask myself...but try, try for your marriage why wont you try? But in all reality I have tried for 5 years and I didnt get much in return. We have no children and that in itself is a blessing. I really could not imagine putting a child through this. 

Your husband is supposed to be your protector, your partner, supporter, and everything in between. How is it that my husband has created all these insecurities in me and has heightened them like no other. Now let me say that my husband has never made demeaning comments towards my physical look. None whatsoever. These insecurities did not come from comments by my husband. These insecurities came from my husband's actions. We have only been married almost 3 months and to find sexually explicit messages between him and another woman was shattering to my world. A man looked me in my eyes and said "I Do" knowing he was being unfaithful and sneaky behind my back. To me, that is unforgivable. 

Im not okay. But one day I will be. 

 

Her Story

I wake up some days and it feels as though someone has a grip on my heart and squeezes a little tighter until I take a deep breath and just let the tears flow. The uncontrollable sob that you would have guessed would have came from a death in the family but instead is caused by betrayal with the same person you share a bed with. My life has been put on pause, and not the good pause where you can stop and smell the roses. This pause feels more like "stuck". Stuck in misery, emotions, and despair. 

My husband cheated. He may have not physically cheated on me with another woman but messages were found that were sexually explicit and disgusting. He confessed to this going on for a couple of months and his reasoning behind it was boredom and wanting attention. Not excusable right? I have never sobbed in my entire life and I found myself doing so with every last bit of energy I had. I immediately let him know that I wanted a divorce and that it was over. Now here I am in my one bedroom apartment with my two dogs and cheating husband and it has never felt more foreign. 

Never would I have thought this would be my life. The worst part about it is that we have only been married two months (together 5yrs). This marriage was supposed to be something sacred and it was tarnished by my husbands weakness and lack of accountability. He swears it meant nothing and it was all out of boredom but I truly believe that if I hadn't caught him, this would still be happening. 

I dont believe he is sorry. I believe he is sorry he got caught. I do not know what to believe anymore and to me as much as we try to be "normal",  it will never be the same again. Question is...Will I find the strength to leave? 

This is my story in a glimpse. To whoever is reading this....know that you are not alone.